Hello, oh readers, oh listeners, oh seekers dear. I’ll keep this as short as I may. I’m feeling many things. Most are, perhaps, best kept between myself and those closest to me–at least when they’re not sealed within a story.
So… about that. I’m really not sure if any of those reading this are the same as those that used to frequent my blog in the past. For myriad reasons, all my own doing, I have very poor audience retention. Suffice to say I’ve tried to make this move several times before. I hope, since my head’s clearer, it might stick this time.
For the foreseeable future, I’m done writing. I’d love to keep going. I’m full of so many ideas, I was just getting where I wanted with Analogue Ruins!… but my health just isn’t there. Even when my mental health’s up to par, and that’s by no means as often as I’ve tried to pretend in the past, I’ve pushed myself so hard for so long that I don’t know if my body will ever recover. Keeping at this has become genuinely dangerous, and… you get the drift. I don’t see a reason to give you a rundown of every symptom. Some have been pretty scary. Let’s leave it at that.
Beyond even that, I’m coming to terms with the fact that for my whole existence thus far, my sense of self-worth has been completely dependent on constant activity. I started writing so young that I avoided the entire process of identity-building I was supposed to do during childhood. This has culminated in a full-blown writing addiction. The reason I get so depressed every time I try to stop writing is that I’ve never learned to value myself beyond the things I create, to feel that whether I am doing something with my existence or not, I have innate worth as a person. That can’t continue.
Healing myself and completing my growth might take months, or it might take years. I won’t know until I commit, and I can’t commit while I’m constantly trying to force myself back into creativity before I’m ready. I truly don’t know whether I’ll ever get a chance to return to my stories. Maybe I will. Maybe I won’t. At this point I’m afraid it’s all outside my control. I need help with a lot of things. I won’t get it by venting on this blog. I need to go out there and seek it for myself, one step at a time.
I write “hiatus” because that’s what I want this to be. That desire is something I can promise is real, enduring… true: I want to pick up where I left off one day.
For now, I leave you with everything I’ve already published. Check the My Books and Assorted Short Stories, Flash Fiction, & Lore pages for the bulk of it, as well as Analogue Ruins’ episode list like I already mentioned. And I finally feel like the core Twin Spirals Mythos page gets at the spirit of my work, so you might enjoy that too. There are a few other short stories scattered through my blog’s… er… nearly three hundred posts. Ideally I’d get them all linked for you, but… but I am leaving to look after my own wellbeing, yes? I’ve put in the work I believed was safe for me as I am right now. At this point, you can find at least one version of everything I’ve ever published for free, most of it on one of those two pages.
It’s not quite the legacy I wanted to leave. I never did write the smash hit I hoped, or get to the point of supporting myself and my loved ones with my writing. I haven’t fully refined so many of these ideas I’ve only just begun to unearth and explore in Analogue Ruins–about the Deep Ways, about demonic being, about… well, I could keep going. But I’m just scraping for more things to say at this point. Trying to put the moment off. I don’t… want to actually… I’m afraid, you know? Afraid that, now you all know I’m done, there’ll be no reason to stick around. That all these works will just be a sealed vault, never touched or cherished by anyone else, and… and…
Cinders, why is this so damned difficult?
I wish I could see how all this will turn out. I guess there’s no way to know until I take the step. I know I’ve touched a few hearts in strange and special ways. That’s no small feat. If it comes to that… I wouldn’t be so sad to think that will be my greatest achievement.
Farewell, oh seekers dear. May we meet again, if not in this reality, then in the realities to come.
~Kairliina Saelvur~
Ashenvein Gate: Stories & Dreams 